You’ve heard the sayings… “don’t look back” — “learn from the past” — “the pain heals, but the scars remain” — there are hundreds of sayings that talk about the past. Looking back on the past kept me in a whirlwind of sorrow and misery. I would stay there, dwelling and obsessing like a goat over a woolen shirt. I still do it sometimes and then I think, “what the hell am I doing?!”
Feeling sorry for myself became an art as I sat at the bar, drowning my sorrows yapping about my pathetic life (which was everyone else’s fault, by the way).
I used to be hung up on the “why” of the past. Why did this happen to me? Where did I go wrong? Why me? WHY ME? WHY ME?!
The trick for me is to look back, learn and move the hell on.
It’s true, I have learned from the past. I learned that drinking and drugging were transparent band-aids that masked my misery while pouring salt in my wounds. That is a part of my past I cannot forget. Ever. But, I had to get over it… the pain, the sorrow and especially the feeling sorry for myself. How would I do that? After all, I was great at feeling sorry for myself. I was great at sitting in my own crap while I donned the face of misery and self-pity.
I should bother to look back, but only to learn and share.
I thought life was supposed to get more simplistic as age came along… no? Not in my life. I am sure there is still hope.
My life is more amazing these days than it was this time last year and the year before that, and so on. Who knows what is in store? Only God knows.
In writing news, I started back up with my Friday Flash Fiction segments. I posted the first one last Friday. It kind of pales in comparison to some of my earlier work, but it turned out just the way I hoped. If you want to check it out, you can do so by clicking here.
In sobriety news, I will be hooking back up with my sponsor at some point this week. I hit a meeting last week and will hit one this week. My six-year anniversary is in two weeks.
In life news, I am really doing some soul-searching as to what this life holds for me and where I can tweak it to maximize my usefulness and potential.
I am faced with interesting dilemmas and decisions as far as living arrangements and mental health. Funny how the two seem to be coinciding.
I was excited to finally get back into editing my WIP today. I had the whole day to myself, Saturday! It was great.
So… for this week:
continue to edit WIP.
walk 20-30 minutes a day.
get to an al-anon meeting.
continue to look for a reasonably priced car (my car is dying).
journal, journal, journal. I have been doing this a lot and it is really helping me find out about who I am and what I want.
I hope everyone had a great week and that this coming week will be even better than the last.
Sober is a way of life for me. I did some soul-searching (like I always do) and asked around. Apparently I am breaking the Anonymity rule by mentioning AA on my blog. So there will be no more of that. Apparently I read the text differently. I can talk about “support groups” and “help” and “alcohol” and “alcoholics” but AA is a big no-no. I certainly do not want to be “that girl.”
I will be sober six years this May. I got to say, in the beginning, I didn’t know how I would function. When I was out there, I hated myself and the thought of a day without drugs or alcohol was so foreign to me.
How would I deal with life?
How would I feel normal?
How would I fake the persona I came to be and make people like me all the while loathing who I really (thought I) was inside?
These were honest, legitimate questions I pondered the first three days of getting clean and sober. Those three days were spent locked in my apartment (a room) with water, cigarettes and the Military Channel. I have yet to feel as sick as I did for those three days.
But I got through it. I had two choices:
1) get sober.
There is a whole slew of crap that goes along with this. I have entertained writing a memoir. If my reaching out, writing and sharing helps one alcoholic or addict than it is all for the best.