Well, it’s almost finished… this is the most difficult book I have ever written and I guess that means something. Scheduled for release on Wednesday, October 31, 2018. Halloween, I know… an important festive day in my life.
I had to burrow into my soul to write this as I thought long about how to approach this book. Did I want it to be some woe-is-me chronological account of my life while I was using and getting sober? Or did I want to approach it in a more emotional way so that while I wrote it, I could actually feel what I felt before and during my recovery?
I opted for the latter because I know there are people out there that still struggle with addiction and recovery. A lot of us think and thought that it was supposed to be some cakewalk. Newly clean and sober people see ‘oldheads’ living their lives in some bodacious harmony and sometimes it’s discouraging because that type of living seems a million moons away. But, it isn’t that far away for any of us.
So that is what I touch on in my memoir as a poetic and essay-ic journey through my last year of using into my first year and beyond in recovery. It’s not pretty sometimes and it’s not supposed to be.
I might be guilty of bragging, but that’s fine. Some things are worth bragging about every day. Being clean and sober is one of them. It might be difficult to understand if you’ve never been on the giving or receiving end of this type of hell. That makes you fortunate.
But, I am fortunate, too.
I am fortunate to have been through hell and come out filthy on the other side. I went through all that shit to make me a stronger person and to help others get through their own version of hell.
That is what this life is all about. Helping others. I don’t get to give up because as much as I might want to, or as much as I might feel my life is all my own and that it is no one else’s business what I do, that is an inaccurate statement.
I am doing this whole Law of Attraction thing and though it feels like nothing is giving and nothing is sparkly, I am learning that I am still on my path. I am learning that despite once feeling guilty about everything that ever happened to me, I am okay. I am the master of my universe. I am the creator of my life. I have a vibration that attracts things. The essence of that which is like unto itself is drawn.
I used to write about my sobriety here but stopped because I was busy with other things and there were already so many great websites and blogs about living sober I figured I would be better off helping people in other ways, and so I did.
If you are going through it, keep going. You’re going to be okay. If you need help and have to where to turn, go to one of these links to get started. AANA
Not sure if you ever saw the movie “Shawshank Redemption,” but there is a great scene in that film regarding ‘hope.’ Tim Robbins’ character has it and Morgan Freeman’s character thinks he is hopelessly romancing hope because hope is a heart breaker.
Maybe it depends on the person when it comes to hope. I used to feel disdain for hope. Maybe it was because I grouped hope with wishing and praying when I was using and drinking. Then again, the things I hoped for were things like not getting pulled over by the police while I was high or having twenty extra dollars in my pocket to finish getting my load on. Go figure.
These days ‘hope’ is very different for me. I do hope for material things like hitting the lottery or waking up one day with big boobs, but I know these things aren’t going to happen, so I am acting the child when it comes to hoping, praying and wishing for things.
I need to redirect my hope to attainable things that are not materialistic. I write music reviews for three different websites. At this moment, I am not paid for this, but that’s okay. I love what I do. I hope to one day get paid to write about music, but until then I will work my day job and write about music in the evening.
I hope to one day have a flourishing career in the music/writing industry.