This is just a short blurb because it is Friday and it is a holiday weekend (Thank a Vet!) and I have a lot of serious editing and finalizing a novel to do over the three day weekend… mark my words, I will be a national best-selling author.
Usually, a reprieve is saved for things like religion and prison.
But every day I have to give myself a reprieve. I am a human being and while I desperately do my due diligence to be the best human on the planet, I at times falter.
And while some fuckups are not forgivable, some need to be because, hey… shit happens.
So if you’ve done something that you aren’t proud of and when you really pick it apart, that demon is nestled in your brain whispering awful things to you… you have to figure out a way to get in front of that and let it go. You need to forgive yourself. That demon needs to be smothered for good.
I held onto my demons for many years, beat the hell out of myself in every way (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically) and at the end of the day, I was still an empty shell of self-loathing. And I was not getting any better.
I can’t really tell you how to get to the point of giving yourself a reprieve… but if you’re sitting in a self-inflicted hell right now, it might be something to take a look at…
Self-loathing leads to terrible roads, and sometimes when we get lost on those roads, there is no way to get back. Don’t travel into that dark abyss too far… figure it out and find the light. There is always light somewhere…
Bitter. What is bitter? Anything I believe is bitter. It’s all in my head; it’s all in my mind. If I want life to be bitter, it will be bitter. If I want life to be sweet, it will be sweet. It really is that simple.
Bitter. A taste, a smell, a feeling.
Sweet. A taste, a smell, a feeling.
Sweet apple pie.
Sweet Jerky meat.
Sweet honeysuckle air.
Bitter? Not me, not today… my bitter days are done.
“Sometimes shit is going to go wrong in your life. Sometimes, you’ll feel like everyone is stabbing in you in the back and you can’t catch a break. These are the moments to take a step back. Step back and ask yourself if you are trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to work for you… Sometimes things don’t work out because that path you’re on is just that: a path… that path is filled with ‘Stepping Stones.’ Some of those stepping stones are big, some small, some slippery, some beautiful, some painful. Those stepping stones are part of your life journey… and when you navigate those big slippery stones that are painful… that’s the universe telling you that you’re growing and it’s time to take the next turn.”
Decisions, decisions… we make hundreds a day. Some are made with much thought and others are automatic. Like, this morning, I had to decide what to wear (that took a little time since I hadn’t done laundry in a week!) and then I had to decide which way to drive to work (automatic – I go the same way every morning).
But there are other decisions we must make through our busy days. Bigger decisions we don’t even realize we are making! Decisions like: which bill to pay first (for those with struggling finances), public school or home school (for our kids) and whether or not to work from home.
For those tough decisions, I like to do a “pro & con” list. I actually did one of these when I was in outpatient therapy in 2006 for alcohol/drug addiction. Being new in sobriety, I needed all the help I could get and kept that list with me for the first year of my new-found freedom. In group, I had to list the pros and cons of using my favorite narcotic. Honesty was important! This list helped me much in the beginning, because abstinence from alcohol and drugs for someone like me is not just stopping. To never use or drink again required a change in thinking and I was prepared to make that change no matter what.
The most important thing about making a decision is deciding what is the most important (a little Cheshire cat action there for ya).
So the next time there is a big decision to make, get out that piece of paper and make a ‘pro’ column and a ‘con’ column. It sounds silly and childish, but the best decision is an informed decision.
I am editing my WIP and thought, hey! It’s Sunday. Why don’t I share with my readers a random, six sentence snippet of what I am currently editing.
So here goes: The scene is when Spitz is going to confront Celeste about the money she owes him. Spitz is on his way down to a motel in Philadelphia.
Spitz could just never figure out what the hell the problem was with everyone. He thought everyone saw in black and white. It was kind of like the kid who thinks all his friends have one parent at home until he goes over his friend’s house and then more friends’ houses and sees that all of their houses have a mom and a dad. His house turns out to be the fucked up one. His house turns out to be the black and white house. His friends’ houses are fine. His friends’ houses are raging in two hundred fifty six color bit schemes while his house is struggling in black and white.
Yep! It is December. That time of year for Christmas Present shopping, holiday baking and beating our heads against the wall as we deal with traffic, crowds, whiny kids (most times not our own) and trying to figure out how to hold it together for the last four weeks of the year.
What is with the self-inflicted pain you ask…. All those “I am going to do so many new things in 2011!”
I’m gonna lose fifteentenfive some pounds!
I’m gonna get something published!
I’m going to spend more time with my family!
I’m going to quit smoking!
I’m going to throw out donate everything in my closet that I no longer wear.