Poetry Through Recovery

So, I was sitting at my desk trying to figure out what to do next and it hit me like a baseball in the sun.  Write about my journey through addiction and recovery. Not the whole thing mind you, parts are pretty boring, but some aren’t. The last year of my addiction and pieces of my recovery are insane, funny and downright heartbreaking.

 

Poetry Through Recovery (1)
Coming June 15, 2018

I mean, I wrote most of my story once, but the whole thing in itself really isn’t fit for human consumption, so this time, on a second go around, I decided to share some of the gritty parts.

People love gritty parts.

Yes, it is called Poetry Through Recovery, but it won’t be all poetry. There will be some personal essays and some funny anecdotes. Just real shit that could maybe help a trainwrecked soul like myself. I did a survey a while back and most people seemed to want to hear about a piece of my life that revolved around living at a place called The Wagon Wheel when I was an eighteen-year-old pregnant mother of two with a crackhead husband.

Trust me, that story is coming. But for some reason, I feel like I need to write this other one first. There is kind of a parallel there, so to speak. When I lived at the Wagon Wheel, I was sober, but living among drunks, addicts, and absolute chaos. Fast forward ten years and it was the same old story, except now I was the drunk asshole. Stories like this – like my story – help people. Maybe I’ll lace Poetry Through Recovery with pieces of the Wagon Wheel. At this point, I feel like I have to.

It’s the only way it’ll all make sense. And sometimes, we need shit to make sense.

Have a blessed day.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/parallel/

 

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Saintly Sinner

 

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Image: pixabay – geralt

Saintly.

We use that term when we speak of good deed doers, animal rescuers and people who keep their cool in Wal-Mart. But what about the saintly sinner? You know, humans that want to beat the ever living shit out of that asshole in Wal-Mart or impale the driver doing 35 in a 55 (this happened to me on my way to work today). Then maybe played the scenario out in vivid detail, and thought, “Is this jerk really worth ten years in prison with a seven-foot cellmate named Tiny?”

Saintly sinners are people just like you and me. They are not good deed doers per say, but they aren’t rotten bastards either. Saintly sinners are average people who go about their day not necessarily keeping tabs of all the good and bad shit they have done, but know that being a decent human – or at least trying like hell – can be a full-time job all its own in this day and age.

Saintly sinners are anti-heroes.

You know, those ten-dimensional characters like John McClaine in Die Hard or Snake Plissken in Escape From New York. Sure they’re mouthy, dirty bad boys who ventured onto the left-hand path, but we love them despite their sinner ways; they’re our angels of redemption.

On the flip side of that, some people pretend to be saintly but are really demon spawn at a sickening level. The technical term for that person is the sociopathic narcissist, and though I have dealt with one version or the other in my life, the evilest combination of the two was my ex-mother-in-law. She would gorge herself on the pain of others. Some people call them emotional vampires, others call them toxic, but I just wound up calling her a crazy b***h. The woman wasn’t happy unless she was witnessing/talking about/causing someone’s pain.

I won’t go into it because she isn’t worth the weight of her memory, but she is included in my memoir. Sometimes we need to speak the devil’s name so we can put her in her proper place.

Saintly is the way

The sinners love to sleep

They gorge on your demons

With gentle little dreams

Their thoughts heavily fasten

To all that’s good and true

Then rip it from your soul

Like gorging sinners do

So wrap your dreams up tight

In a silky woven ball

Wash them in starlight

And let them gently fall

via Daily Prompt: Saintly

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/gorge/

*I had the wrong prompt. This post may be a lame attempt at recovery, but I had to give it a shot!

Delivery Girl

 

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Image: Vector Graphics

I got sober in 2006 and was court mandated to go to outpatient treatment despite my self-propelled thrust into the world of clean and sober living. At the time I had no job, was living in someone’s basement and has just had my kids taken from me. My choices were either get clean or put a bullet in my head.

 

I learned a while ago that suicide is not an option for me. I had three failed attempts previously so I took that as a sign that I am needed on this planet for something.

I still haven’t figured out what.

So, while going to this outpatient group, the topic one night was an odd one and I wound up arguing with the group leader about it. “If you could get high without consequences, would you?’ and I delivered a stern “NO.”

“But there are no consequences,” he said.

“Um, yeah there are.”

“But I am telling you there aren’t any in this scenario.”

“There is no scenario without consequences. I can’t think like that. I can’t pretend there won’t be addiction peril if I get high.”

Anyway, he let it go, but I think a few other people caught on to what I was saying. While there are some things we can pretend and day dream about, using drugs and drinking recreationally is not one of them for an alcoholic addict. There will always be consequences. Trying to imagine a life without them is deadly.

So, next door to this treatment center was a Pep Boys warehouse and there was a sign in the window:

NOW HIRING DELIVERY DRIVERS

Hell yeah!

I walked in, spoke with the manager for a few minutes,  and was hired on the spot. 🙂

The highlight of that entire experience was that they wanted me to take a drug test. It may seem odd that I would be excited over something like that, but I hadn’t passed a drug test for three years prior to then for any job I went for except for a potential position at the IRS. Despite passing that drug test, I had used immediately following it and overslept for my first day of orientation for that keen IRS position that could have changed my life when I still lived in Philly.

So I got my job as an auto parts delivery person and my excitement was palpable. I got to drive for a living and even though I was only making two dollars over minimum wage at the time, it was liberating to work again and earn my own money.

That job led me to where I work now as an administrative assistant at an accounting firm. I have been here for ten years, and still get to deliver packages (paperwork) to clients. Still, I am eyeballing bigger ventures. I have been here eight years too long and it is time for me to take a leap of faith.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/delivery/

Disastrous Damsel

 

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Image: Pixabay – ractapopulous

While the lowest point of my life was sitting in a recliner in someone’s basement doped up on pills, there were many previous disasters that dragged me to that point.

I had lost my job, then my house and then the final blow… I lost my children. Surely I could have taken immediate action and changed my ways ASAP.

But first I had to get high and oh yeah, get drunk too and let’s not forget going out to bars and to make bad decisions about people that put myself in serious danger.

What the hell was I thinking? That was just it… I was NOT thinking. I was too busy playing the victim and blaming my life on everyone and everything else.

When I first lost my job I could have probably done the following: FOUND A NEW EFFING JOB!

I could have done a lot of things… but that didn’t fit my ‘victim mentality’ and while I was playing the ‘damsel in distress’ I was really a disastrous damsel spitting hellfire and burning every bridge I crossed. That life seems a world away now. Thank goodness for second chances.

Disastrous Damsel

Disastrous damsel; wicked and free

Who is this angel you pretend to be

Blackness is your state of mind

Your screaming soul, so unkind

Is this really who you are

Or did your game go too far

Take your breath and suck it out

Breath back in without a doubt

Life really can be joyous and true

Have faith in love and have faith in you.

People really do change… they just need a really good reason to change. 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/disastrous/

Mind Control

via Daily Prompt: Control

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How much control do I really have?

The only thing I can control is my mind.

So when I get that urge to sneak out of the house in the middle of the night, and slink down to the bad part of town I avoid like the plague, I have to beat those thoughts back with common sense. I have to control them.

It’s not easy.

I blame so many people, places and things when the battle becomes exhausting in this never ending war on my sanity – my life.

I haven’t been to that place, that hell, that devil’s den of bad choices in almost eleven years.

Those thoughts blossom in my mind when I get comfortable and complacent. They sprout like sick weeds in a garden of naive flowers.

No matter how many weeds I pull or kill, new ones grow and wait, searching for that weak crack in my foundation.

Control? I have enough to keep me alive.

The Stepping Stones of Life

Stepping Stones“Sometimes shit is going to go wrong in your life. Sometimes, you’ll feel like everyone is stabbing in you in the back and you can’t catch a break. These are the moments to take a step back. Step back and ask yourself if you are trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to work for you… Sometimes things don’t work out because that path you’re on is just that: a path… that path is filled with ‘Stepping Stones.’ Some of those stepping stones are big, some small, some slippery, some beautiful, some painful.
Those stepping stones are part of your life journey… and when you navigate those big slippery stones that are painful… that’s the universe telling you that you’re growing and it’s time to take the next turn.”

The Dangers of Molly (MDMA)

I haven’t used drugs or drank alcohol in over seven years so I can’t say personally how Molly affects its users.  However, after reading the description and watching the video, it seems Molly is a version of the drug Ecstasy (E as it was commonly called).

Molly is usually ingested orally or snorted and it gets the ‘happy feeling’ going for about three hours.  And hey, don’t we all want to feel good (euphoric) for a few hours?

Here is the bad news… when it wears off, it leaves the user feeling highly depressed for hours, sometimes days. It depletes Serotonin levels which need significant amounts of time to replenish.

Watch this short video and see for yourself:

You can find help for addiction and answers to questions at: www.clarityway.com.