Resolutions and Dead Squirrels

Yep.  That time when we reflect on the previous 364 days and say things  like, “Man.. I should have kept up with the gym.” OR “Wow, if only I’d have saved that two dollars a day like I wanted to!” Or, my favorite: “What the hell have I done all year?”

Well, I went to the gym about 1/16 as much as I wanted to.  I didn’t save ANY money this year.  I didn’t start the “Stop Roadkill Squirrels” foundation like I wanted to.  The amount of squirrel carcasses in the middle of roads sickens me.  How could you people? There were a few problems with starting my foundation, the first one being I am the only person who really gives a crap about dead squirrels (and other furry road kill) except my children.

It's You Or Me, Squirrel!

Yes, I instilled the “it doesn’t matter if your head goes into the dashboard – save the damn squirrel!” mantra into my beautiful children.  It is so bad that when I am driving down the road and I see a lifeless lump up ahead, I say things like, “That better not be a squirrel!”  Sometimes it isn’t a dead squirrel (or cat, or raccoon, or possum) to which I shout “yay!” Other times, it is and I say things like, “Good job, a-hole.  What did that poor squirrel do to you?” and yes, I am actually in my car, alone, when I say these things. Or with my children who stare out the windshield with lifeless eyes, pretending they don’t hear me.  But I know they do.

Yes, people have asked me if I have had a psychiatric evaluation. Yes, I have had one.  The doctors laughed nervously and told me I was “a-okay Ms. Steelman!”

So THIS year I am doing it different.  I am making a list of things I want to do over the course of my life.  Kind of like a Pushing 39 Bucket List.  The catch is I have to do two a year.  If I do more than that well then I will just give myself a Scratch N Sniff Sticker, a cup of coffee and hug a squirrel.

So the 2012 Kick in the Ass To Do List so far is…

  • Ski. (going on January 1st – hee hee)
  • Get published.
  • Go to the freaky deaky womba bomba GYM. (I have a hard time with this one due to the slacker gene passed down through my family for centuries – thanks Mom & Dad!)

That’s pretty much it for now.  Now.. I am hoping the skiing goes well. I like trees, but not much into moshing with them.

Got any exciting plans for 2012?  😀

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Are You Ready For a Zombie Party?

Yep yep… we’ve heard it a hundred times.  We’ve seen a hundred movies.  Movies about the end of the world, 2012, zombies.   It never ends!  And we fall for this constantly.  Maybe it is because as human beings, we need the stimulation.  Like a world full of drama queens, except this is a little more serious than a broken nail and a backstabbing girlfriend.

By bionicidiot
The Zombies Are Coming!

Some say that in this apocalypse that the good will be spared and that the bad and unrepentant will be cast into hell.  Some say that it will be a zombie party and the living doomed to death or eternal living death.

Well, I am prepared!  I have the Zombie Survival Guide Page A Day Calendar!  I thought that having this calendar would be a great asset to surviving  a zombie apocalypse or any other type of disaster.  It has all types of goodies and tips like getting up the steps and getting rid of said steps, how to obliterate a zombie (essential!), what kinds of weapons to use.  Damn if I didn’t throw away the first four months of pages!

If you need any help in preparing for Zombies, or any other disaster, I heartily suggest watching Zombieland with Woody Harrelson.  If you have seen it, watch it again. Not only is it amusing, it is full of tips!    The classic “double tap”  of course.  In any movie before Zombieland, we’ve seen the protagonist shoot or stab the antagonist and walk away assuming said bad guy was dead.  This left the audience yelling at the screen, frustrated that the protagonist did not make sure the bad guy was dead.

The double tap put this faux pas to rest.   I’ll leave the rest to the movie, but the double tap is paramount!

Also… very important to make sure all bases are covered.  If you are going to stay inside, for Pete’s sake make sure you have all the essentials!  This is where having a case of Twinkies is great!  They keep for years (hopefully you won’t need the Twninksters to keep that long) and they taste great!  The bad news is that you won’t be able to wash them down with an ice-cold glass of milk.  Also, if you have canned food (and I am sure you will) make sure you have a manual can opener.  An electric can opener is as useless as… well, anything utterly useless.

It is in disastrous times we tend to realize how useless technology really is.  In times of catastrophe and the world overtaken by zombies, craft and skill of the survival kind are necessary.

So dig deep into your guttural souls, dearies.  It is survival of the fittest.

Stay safe my friends!!