Yes I did. Ha!! I have so much going on that I could not put together a post for every day of the month to publish for my readers. I am truly, deeply sorry. I am writing music reviews for four websites and loving every moment! I am not getting paid for my writing services and that is okay. I am doing something I truly love while building my writing resume.
All the writing I have done over the course of my life (poetry, short stories, two novels, addiction blog and now music) has been amazing fun. I love to write and have recently found that my passion is writing about music. I have loved music since I can remember. My grandmother used to tell me an interesting story about me.
When I was a baby, I wouldn’t stop crying one day. She tried everything! Finally, frustrated and overwhelmed, she wound up a music box and tossed it in my playpen. I stopped crying immediately. To this day, I get sad when the music stops.
Will all my writing about music land me a well-paid gig for a big time music site or magazine? I have no idea and no expectations.
Therein… lies the beauty.
I will commit myself to blogging a little more frequently on addiction in the coming weeks.
“You cannot always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.” ~ Charles Popplestown
Wouldn’t I just love to control everything, everyone and every circumstance so that I may never be upset, angry or hurt. The truth is, I have no control over anything except my thinking, and that is where the trouble comes into play.
For years, I tried to control the behavior of others to manipulate my mood. I would tell them how to behave so that I may be happy. This is a temporary fix to a deep problem.
Honestly, the sheer effort it takes to control other people and their behaviors is exhausting. Putting people where we think they belong, helping them act the way they should act and relying on others to make us happy is unfair to us and them.
Do you find that trying to control everything is exhausting?
How awesome is it to celebrate freedom from the slavery of drugs and alcohol? Once a drudgery of self-loathing and hatred, when I put down the drink and the drug, I found a new way of life and discovered freedom to the core.
There were no more lost moments of clarity. Nights once spent in a drunken stupor were a thing of the past. My nights turned into eating at diners after meetings with other like-minded people in search of a common goal. I discovered that drinking and drugging were not a staple when it came to fun.
Fun and entertainment came in new and enlightening ways without drugs and alcohol. As I started to work my program, the chain-links of self snapped one by one, creating a gate I could swing open into a new world.
When I was little I played games like most kids. Hopscotch, Tag and Freedom were some of my favorites. As I got older, I joined a few organized sports like softball and basketball. I was athletic and while I didn’t particularly enjoy losing, I did it gracefully… sometimes.
Somewhere along the way I learned the awful habit of comparing myself to others. My looks, my education, my material belongings… all of this and more was never good enough, never small enough, never big enough, never pretty enough; it was never enough and there began my dark spiral into the “not’s” as I call them.
Comparisons are like keeping score and I came up short (the loser) every damn time.
Something I’ve learned in sobriety is to compare myself to myself. Everything about me I need to compare only to myself because, being a good alcoholic, it is easy for me to tailspin into a dark hole of self-doubt and woe-is-me.
“She’s prettier.” “Her boobs are bigger.” “Oh my gosh! Look how cute her feet are! I wish I had feet like that!” I mean, it goes on and on and on! Ugh… I can go from 100 to 0 in less that thirty seconds when I start keeping score in my head.
Keeping score wears on my self-esteem, it shows on my face and most important it drains me. Luckily, I love to read self-help books, go to meetings and talk with other women. I have learned when I start to keep score and am learning how to stop.
Say the Serenity Prayer.
Realize that everyone is beautiful in their own way (including me).
I am better than I was a year ago.
I am on my own journey, and it is amazing.
Focus on my attributes.
These are some of the ways I deal with my “not’s.” I’m human, so some days are easier than others.
“The reality – the real reality – is that we are already worthy, there is no test to pass.”
That’s right. Worthiness. Self-worth. Feeling worthy. I battled with this demon for decades. I battle a little less each day and am winning the war. Go me!
Worthiness was all in my mind. I tied my self-worth to people, places and things for years (like a good alcoholic). Even after I got sober, I still did this and could not figure out why I wasn’t feeling any different. Then I started reading my Big Book and a ton of other books.
There is no test to pass! No one is judging me. Okay, maybe some people are (human nature), but you know what? Who cares! In the end I have to stand before me and my Higher Power and that is all I have to live with. If I can get to the end of the day and go through my inventory and know that I did the best I could, recognize where I need improvement and give it to a God of my understanding, I have lived my life as intended.
Do you ever feel unworthy? How do you leap that hurdle?
I have this great book called, “365 Excuse Me…” which is a daily thought book. There is a quote for each day of the year and a short blurb about the quote. I do not read this book every day, but when I do, turn through the pages until I find something that suits me.
I had a great heart to heart with my daughter Sunday night, and after picking the book up, happened to flip to the page that said this:
“As long as we’re reacting to conditions, something will always be wrong.”
How awesome is that?!
Basically, that quote means we cannot change anything that goes on around us. We can only change how we think, which changes how we feel. We can choose how we react to a particular situation! Way freaking cool, man!
It took me years to figure this out!
Quick example: I am in traffic and someone cuts me off. I can either yell expletives and flip him off, thereby ruining most of my morning, or I can say to myself, “Gee, I guess he is in a hurry.” Shrug it off and just go about my route to wherever.
I have no control over what the guy did! I only have control over my reaction to what happened. Period.
Are you able to control your reaction to outside events?
As if I didn’t already have enough on my plate, I decided to sign up for the 2013 Ultimate Blog Challenge. I do stuff like this because it keeps me writing, keeps me reading other blogs and I meet a few cool peeps along the way.
I’m not sure if I am going to have a theme this year. I usually do the A – Z Challenge, and that always has a theme for me. This time, who knows.
I do know that I plan on having tons of fun, honing my writing skills and stumbling upon lots of cool blogs via the hashtag #blogboost on Twitter and the group on Facebook.