Carve A Dream

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Dreams are for losers. That was the message I got when I was a kid. Don’t bother, you’ll never pull it off, you’re a girl, no one would hire you, do something safe. Blah, blah, blah.

Well, let me tell you something. I decimated my dream of being an auto mechanic about twelve years ago, but my dream of being a famous writer is still on the stove and I plan on cooking it up to perfection. I am already published, so I got that foot in the game. But the dream I am carving is a delicacy that I cannot wait to savor and devour.

Every day I envision myself in my log cabin home that sits on fifteen acres of mountainous land somewhere in Pennsylvania. There is a fireplace in the master bedroom, the five guest rooms, and three family rooms. My kitchen is worthy of the most top rated chef and my back deck could fit a party of twenty comfortably. All the decor is rustic, walls are painted earth tones, and the only chrome is outside in my four car garage on my souped up 1970 Monte Carlo. The windows in the cabin are spacious with wide sills so Spirit the Cat has ample room to perch and bird watch. My studio is one part writing and one part art. There is also a library, a home gym, an art room for my husband, and a game room.

If you can dream it, you can do it. And when you do it, put your heart into it. Never let anyone tell you your dreams are foolish or stupid or unreachable. I mean, think of all the things we wouldn’t have if people didn’t dream them up and then make them a reality. Electricity, running water, automobiles, computers, The Clapper, sneaker skates, instant coffee, Flex Seal! The list is endless.

My book is still for sale on Amazon… please leave a review if you have purchased one or grabbed a free one! I really appreciate all of you! ❤ I am still in the final stages of Consequences and am working on the second book of poetry.

What’s your wildest dream?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/carve/

Image: Pixabay

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Forlorn and Reborn

 

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Image: Pixabay

Inhale

I can’t imagine ever

Feeling like an afterthought

To sit and wait for the tide to roll in

Timing breath with waves

Watching the sun set and rise

Rise and set

Trees live and die; motionless yet breathing

And here I pause

Forlorn and reborn

I gave from my being

You faded with a season

I watch the sand stream

Through my wrinkled fingers

My thoughts drift

Life without you

Monotonous; I smile

Exhale

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/forlorn/

forlorn

 

Cloaked in Madness

 

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Image: Pixabay

 

Don’t believe for a moment

That you can show me goodbye

We are a formidable team

Like a wolf and the night

There is no peace

If there is no chaos

And there is no sanity

That isn’t cloaked in madness

So fashion your force

With my bittersweet words

And spew the venom

Of a million lines blurred

Don’t worry sweetheart

I’ll save you a spot

Your love and limbs in my grasp

Forsake me you will not

via Daily Prompt: Cloaked

Cloaked

Tentative Detox Stay

 

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 Image: Pixabay

 

When I went to detox in 2005, I knew my stay would be tentative. It was in January and I was just going to clean up a bit so I wouldn’t need so much to get high anymore (cue New Year Resolution confetti). I doubt I am the only addict that has ever done this.

And yes, this was because I honestly thought that I didn’t have an addiction. What I had was more of an ‘inability to ration,’ but once I fixed that, I would be able to do drugs and drink recreationally like all my friends. I was too young, too smart and too pretty to be a drug addict or alcoholic. Things just got a little out of control was all. In five days, I’d be back home and things would be fine.

My first mistake was the whole time I was in detox, I kept comparing myself to everyone around me.

“Oh jeez, listen to this chic. Is she crazy? I am not this bad.”

“Holy shit. I grew up with that kid! He was insane then! Now I know I don’t belong here.”

“Oh my f*cking God, this place is nuttier than a squirrel convention.”

I went to the groups, said all the right shit and then, at the end of my days there – despite being asked to stay one more day because my insurance covered it – called my dad to come get me and I went home.

I got out of rehab, er, detox, on January 4, 2005. My sober date is May 24, 2006. So for sixteen months, my life was an absolute shit storm (more than previously).

Why didn’t standard detox work for me? 

A) Because I didn’t want it to work for me.

B) Because they never let me feel bad or sick. They gave me phenobarbital for my withdrawal symptoms and good food and outside time and even let me smoke cigarettes.

C) I was only there for four days, which is pretty standard.

So did I really, truly detox?

After I got out, the first thing I did was call my dealer. “Hey, I just got out of detox, do you have anything?” I guess that week she had a conscience because she said she’d call me back and never did.

Not that week anyway.

So the universe gave me a shot; it was on my side. I went with it and even went to an NA meeting with my detox roommate with her big fake boobs (she got hooked on Percocet after a boob job). One meeting was all I attended. Maybe it was all the hugging after the NA meeting, but I didn’t like it.*

After a week, I was back at the bar and drinking. I wasn’t taking any pills… yet. I was convinced that I could drink because I drank in the past (before getting hooked on pills) and everything was fine! (Did I mention my insanity?)

It wasn’t long until I started drinking heavily, popping pills and snorting cocaine again. This time twice as hard as before I went into detox. I even got involved with a man I knew a while before and we were great together, but in March of 2005, he left my house after starting an argument. I didn’t think much of it until I found out that Monday that he went home and shot himself in the head.

My drugging and drinking escalated; despite not being right in the head before then, I was really twisted inside after that. I spiraled hard and fast unaware that the forming vortex would swallow more lives than just mine.

I eventually turned my life around… but this story needs to be told. So I decided this time frame will be the focus of my memoir.

Thanks for letting me share.

*NA meetings work for many people. They do not work for me. Some NA’s go to AA, some AA’s go to NA. I am not trash talking any program.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tentative/