As if I didn’t already have enough on my plate, I decided to sign up for the 2013 Ultimate Blog Challenge. I do stuff like this because it keeps me writing, keeps me reading other blogs and I meet a few cool peeps along the way.
I’m not sure if I am going to have a theme this year. I usually do the A – Z Challenge, and that always has a theme for me. This time, who knows.
I do know that I plan on having tons of fun, honing my writing skills and stumbling upon lots of cool blogs via the hashtag #blogboost on Twitter and the group on Facebook.
So I was watching the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) this morning and there were all these fascinating episodes that dealt with “self.” Like, how we treat the self, how outside events impact the self and so much stuff I went out and bought a book by one of the people Oprah was interviewing. “The Untethered Soul” by Michael A. Singer. The book is to liberate us from a contained self-image.
Based solely on the interview, the information I gathered from the show and snippets of the book I scanned, I have hope that this book will break me through my final barrier… me.
I have always tried to keep it real. I’ve tried to remain grounded in all I do, say or feel along with trying to be there for anyone who crosses my life path. But there are these things, these feelings, that get in the way on a consistent basis. And when I let my head get the best of me, I am no longer keeping it real per say, but getting sucked into a myopic array of disillusionment which takes me back to that dark room of self-loathing.
Yeah, pretty messed up stuff. The more messed up part of all this crap is that I project this putrid bile onto other human beings. Instead of just being in a moment or looking at things for what they are, I tend to read deeper into whatever is going on and then I project my thoughts, insecurities and the like others.
This leads to:
feeling less than
That is a pretty hefty list of awful feelings, ideals and all around yuckiness.
Lately, I have been way up in my head. This is a tough place for me when I am trying to live a life of peace. My head is not peaceful. It is constantly chattering, whispering and telling me rotten things. I believe these things. I give my thoughts weight and that is when the horrible list above comes into play. I used to drink and drug to get rid of these thoughts and feelings. Drinking and drugging is not an option for me.
This is why I bought the book. My thoughts (and yours) are so automatic, I never question them. You’ve heard the saying, “I think, therefore I am.” UGH!!! How awful is that? I certainly do not want to be what I think! My twelve-step program helps ( a lot!) but lately I just feel like I need an added tool.
As I go through this book (highlighting sentences and paragraphs like I always do) I will be updating my blog with what I have learned and if any of it is making sense. It made sense on Oprah’s show, therefore, I am sure it will make sense.
It’s true. I am an emotional, loving, caring, forgiving human being who seems to never remember that it is NOT all about me and I should NOT take everything to the life-giving, all loving heart that is in my chest and on my sleeve.
I have a hard time handling any kind of rejection.
You wanna hurt me? Ignore me. Pretend I do not matter. Treat me like one of the rest. That shit hurts. It hurts deep.
Maybe I am the “sensitive artist type” or I am just sensitive period. I don’t know. What I do know is that I love with all my heart and I just reveal myself (the real me) time and again and I get shit on and it hurts.
How do I be someone else? How do I turn into this magical, mythical creature that never gets angry, hurt, upset, jealous, resentful or bruised?
This is the question I want answered.
Why do I do this? Why do I pour my heart into everything? The risk is always there and I know this. But I give my heart anyway. Over and over and over again.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel the hurt, the pain, the agony of rejection or dejection. But then, I remember:
It is good for me to feel these things and sort them out. Because the moment I decide I can no longer handle feeling these feelings is the scary moment I might look to pick up a drink. After all, not being able to handle my feelings was a huge part in my alcoholism.
I go to a meeting.
I talk to my friend, Heather.
I think (this is not good).
The final thing I do is give it to God. I have so many little papers in my God Box: things I want, things that bother me, people I cannot help. All kinds of stuff. I put those little pieces of paper in my God Box and then forget about them. After I say a prayer and put my written thought in the God Box, I forget about it…
For a little while…
But, me being me with this heart on my sleeve, my head starts to mess with me again. Sometimes I think wearing my heart on my sleeve is a huge character defect. However, a lot of people (including my former sponsor) has told me it is an admirable trait.
I honestly was not going to hop in on this round of ROW80. I thought, “gah! I’m too busy, I’m too tired, I’m too everything not to do this.”
But then I thought about it. I am really just being too lazy. I am the kind of person that, when I get in that dark slump of lazy selfishness, NEEDS someone (or something) to push me.
And then I thought about how hard I have worked up until this point. I was writing/editing every day. I was posting on my blog 2-3 times a week. I was commenting on other blogs (a lot!) and I was really involved in our little community.
Well, I need to get back there. And I am getting back there starting today.
Here is my list of this round’s ROW80 Goals:
read through my manuscript one more time, looking for any inconsistencies or places where it is lame.
read/comment at least 3-5 blogs a day.
journal, journal journal.
share blog posts via Triberr.
Write a Flash Fiction piece each week to post on my blog for Friday.
That’s it for now. The truth is, I have been so out of my mind the last few months… I really needed to get back into meetings and getting back in touch with people in the program, and I did just that. It feels good to be back in the rooms and reaching out to others.
I wish everyone the very best on their ROW80 road this round!
Good day all my ROW80 friends! I hope everyone is having a great April so far… I will be happy when April 17th comes and goes because that means tax season will be over and I can resume life as normal.
I am staying steady with my goals.
A – Z Challenge
I am in on the A – Z Challenge which is a lot of fun writing and reading the other interesting ideas people come up with in terms of Alphabet Posts.
I am in on Script Frenzy which is nerve-racking, but I hate losing or admitting failure, so I am keeping with it. The nerve-racking part was formatting the script, but I have since decided to just write the darn thing and work on the formatting later.
Bound and Broken Editing
I am about half way through. I changed up a few things and will be looking to find some beta readers in a month or so. Bound and Broken is a Crime Drama. So if that be your thang, hit me up, yo.
So I was writing on 75owords today and I was like, *ding* I can use 750 words to write up some of my A – Z posts as a rough draft!
I have to say.. I stopped The Walking Dead posts until the new season rolls around. There just isn’t much to talk about until then. I skipped a Talk About It Tuesday last week because I have so much other stuff going on. Like I said, April is just hectic with out all the writing. In light of recent events (and my lack of meetings recently), I am thinking of doing a sort of AA/NA post a week. I have to map it out first.