How awesome is it to celebrate freedom from the slavery of drugs and alcohol? Once a drudgery of self-loathing and hatred, when I put down the drink and the drug, I found a new way of life and discovered freedom to the core.
There were no more lost moments of clarity. Nights once spent in a drunken stupor were a thing of the past. My nights turned into eating at diners after meetings with other like-minded people in search of a common goal. I discovered that drinking and drugging were not a staple when it came to fun.
Fun and entertainment came in new and enlightening ways without drugs and alcohol. As I started to work my program, the chain-links of self snapped one by one, creating a gate I could swing open into a new world.
When I was little I played games like most kids. Hopscotch, Tag and Freedom were some of my favorites. As I got older, I joined a few organized sports like softball and basketball. I was athletic and while I didn’t particularly enjoy losing, I did it gracefully… sometimes.
Somewhere along the way I learned the awful habit of comparing myself to others. My looks, my education, my material belongings… all of this and more was never good enough, never small enough, never big enough, never pretty enough; it was never enough and there began my dark spiral into the “not’s” as I call them.
Comparisons are like keeping score and I came up short (the loser) every damn time.
Something I’ve learned in sobriety is to compare myself to myself. Everything about me I need to compare only to myself because, being a good alcoholic, it is easy for me to tailspin into a dark hole of self-doubt and woe-is-me.
“She’s prettier.” “Her boobs are bigger.” “Oh my gosh! Look how cute her feet are! I wish I had feet like that!” I mean, it goes on and on and on! Ugh… I can go from 100 to 0 in less that thirty seconds when I start keeping score in my head.
Keeping score wears on my self-esteem, it shows on my face and most important it drains me. Luckily, I love to read self-help books, go to meetings and talk with other women. I have learned when I start to keep score and am learning how to stop.
Say the Serenity Prayer.
Realize that everyone is beautiful in their own way (including me).
I am better than I was a year ago.
I am on my own journey, and it is amazing.
Focus on my attributes.
These are some of the ways I deal with my “not’s.” I’m human, so some days are easier than others.
“One of the best ways to uncover some of those long-hidden wants is to pretend.”
Yes! This is a fancy way of saying, “Fake it until you make it.” And why shouldn’t we? A few years back I read “The Secret” which is all about the Law of Attraction.
Whatever your predominant thoughts are, you best believe that stuff is going to happen. Don’t believe me? Have you ever driven to work (running late of course) and all that is on your mind is awful traffic along with foxhole prayers for no red lights? And what happens? Red lights and crazy traffic. UGH.
Yeah, I’ve been there, too!
Sometimes I envision great things for myself. No, I still haven’t woken up looking like Julia Roberts, but I have noticed that when I pretend things are going to turn out awesome, they almost always do.
Sometimes I pretend that I am a bigtime writer for Rolling Stone magazine. While that hasn’t happened yet, I am now writing about music for three websites. Am I getting paid? Nope! But I have my eye on the prize and I am loving what I am doing.
Have you ever tried positive thinking? How did it work out for you?
I have this great book called, “365 Excuse Me…” which is a daily thought book. There is a quote for each day of the year and a short blurb about the quote. I do not read this book every day, but when I do, turn through the pages until I find something that suits me.
I had a great heart to heart with my daughter Sunday night, and after picking the book up, happened to flip to the page that said this:
“As long as we’re reacting to conditions, something will always be wrong.”
How awesome is that?!
Basically, that quote means we cannot change anything that goes on around us. We can only change how we think, which changes how we feel. We can choose how we react to a particular situation! Way freaking cool, man!
It took me years to figure this out!
Quick example: I am in traffic and someone cuts me off. I can either yell expletives and flip him off, thereby ruining most of my morning, or I can say to myself, “Gee, I guess he is in a hurry.” Shrug it off and just go about my route to wherever.
I have no control over what the guy did! I only have control over my reaction to what happened. Period.
Are you able to control your reaction to outside events?
As if I didn’t already have enough on my plate, I decided to sign up for the 2013 Ultimate Blog Challenge. I do stuff like this because it keeps me writing, keeps me reading other blogs and I meet a few cool peeps along the way.
I’m not sure if I am going to have a theme this year. I usually do the A – Z Challenge, and that always has a theme for me. This time, who knows.
I do know that I plan on having tons of fun, honing my writing skills and stumbling upon lots of cool blogs via the hashtag #blogboost on Twitter and the group on Facebook.
So a friend of mine told me about this blog called Kensington Blues. I thought, “hey, I’m from Philly, knew a lot of ‘Kenso’s’ growing up after junior high school, this should be interesting.”
Interesting was an understatement after I saw the photos of addicts on the streets of Kensington. I forced myself to look into their eyes of quiet desperation. My eyes darted over the real-life backdrops of littered streets, graffiti covered buildings and the devastating picture of Nichol who looks no older than fourteen.
The truth is no one wants a life on the street, selling their ass to get high or peddling for change to get another fix. Life just goes that way for some. I can’t explain it and I know in my heart that any of those women could have been me. That stark reality is forever at the forefront of my mind when I see a bottle of booze or happen to be within earshot of someone talking about drugs.
It is a life to which no one aspires. Sometimes it creeps in like a slow, ugly plague. Other times, it punches you in the throat when you’re thrown out of the house at eighteen or molested by a trusted adult.
Us addicts and alcoholics spent many minutes on our knees, begging God for salvation or death, whichever should come first.
Please, take a look at the blog. The life of an addict isn’t always some fancy story surrounded by a dysfunctional family in a three bedroom rancher portrayed on ‘Intervention.’ It can be much darker and sadistic.
Yes! Happy Summer Solstice everyone… today is the 21st day of June 2013. Being so, I decided I have been way too damn negative and I need to amp up my positive vibes!
While it is extremely easy for us to get into a slump it is just as easy to step out of that dark hole and count the blessings God bestows upon us each day!
Therefore, since it is the first day of summer, I am calling this “New Attitude Day.” No matter how down we get on ourselves sometimes, or how crappy we feel, there is always… always something to be grateful for. It could be something monumental or something as simple as having toothpaste. You get the idea…
Today is a gorgeous day here on the East Coast… filled with warm sunshine, cool breezes, chirping birds, a bright blue sky and tons of other things – all reminding me that there is a God…
Amazing things happen when we lose the “poor me” attitude and get grateful!
Yep.. I almost had to pinch myself this morning. I am seven years clean and sober today by the Grace of God and the amazing people he continues to bless me with. Today (and for the last three days) are days that I feel so great inside… inside. Someone commented on my Facebook status that I should be proud. I AM PROUD! 🙂 Holy hell, if you would have known me seven years ago you would have went screaming into the sun, moon, stars… whatever. The point is, I was an ugly person.. not because of my physical appearance (although this day seven years ago I wasn’t looking too hot) but because of the person I was inside.
I took so many hostages, lied to so many people and used anyone and anything to get what I needed. It was all about me and fuck everyone else. Even after my first couple weeks not picking up a drink or a drug, I was still like that. Getting sober for me was about more than just putting down a substance. It was about learning a new way to live.
Thanks to God, my program and the amazing people who God has put in my life I am living a new way; an easier, softer way which in essence, is hard, gratifying work.
Yes… I finally deactivated my Facebook account. I’ll tell you why. Because a person like me should not be on a thing, succubus, demon .. whatever you want to call it. It is a huge time suck that frustrates and upsets the hell out of me. I was on there today and thought, ‘Why the frig am I torturing myself like this?”
I have a body image problem and being on Facebook does NOT HELP. Seeing all my boyfriends new recent friends that are female DOES NOT HELP. Airbrushed images of almost nude women posted by groups and friends does not help.
All of it hinders me, makes me feel bad about myself and then I isolate and rerun old tapes in my head about “why I am not good enough.”
It’s bullshit. I don’t need it. I don’t want it. So I am on a Facebook Hiatus indefinitely. I will definitely be blogging more! I landed an internship with a Philadelphia online music magazine so I am stoked about that! I sent my novel to an editor and am still writing for brutalism.com.
I have way too much positive, substantial stuff going on for myself. I refuse to ruin it for me. And since I know me these days (like really know me) I know what makes me happy, sad, jealous, confused, angry, etc… so I am off to work on that and stay away from one of the triggers.
Peace out friends!! You’ll be hearing from me a little more in the near future.
God willing, I will have a 7th Anniversary of being clean and sober on May 26th of this year. I haven’t been blogging consistently, and I am truly sorry for that. I have so much stuff going on in terms of kids, other writing obligations and “life stuff.”
But for now, I am going to focus on the writing aspect of my life. Pull up a chair and a cup of your favorite beverage if you wish.
I started writing around the age of nine or ten I guess. I remember writing my first book report about “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allen Poe in grade school. I fell in love with the story, and Poe, and looked forward to writing more book reports (yes I was a geeky child)! I started keeping a diary and wrote silly little stories about my friends inside.
As I grew and matured (using that term loosely), I stopped writing unless it was a letter in school to one of my BFF’s or a boy.
In my early twenties, I actually wrote my first novel. It is unpublished to this date and only a lone printed, bound copy remains. Most of that novel was written while drunk because I inherently felt I could only write when I was chemically altered.
Fast forward about four years and I decided to go to college at night as an English Major and wound up switching my major to Behavioral Health with a focus on addiction for the rest of my term. Ironic.
So I wrote off and on, off and on for a number of years. I kept many journals and diaries both hard copy and internet bound. I wrote a lot of poetry. Dark disturbing words (again always drunk and angry) I wrote steady over the course of a week. I wrote about 130 poems in those seven days. That is floating around somewhere as well.
I even had one published in a local newspaper!
Here it is:
Reality and fantasy, truth and lies.
When I’m awake I forget real, and fantasize.
When I speak my mind, I speak it well.
When I talk back, I listen even better.
When I hear other voices, I try to ignore.
Don’t tell me what to say, don’t tell me what to do.
I’m done listening to you; all you speak is tainted.
I’m stained with lies, marked by deceit.
My eyes are wicked, my grin is cold.
You look at me, but you can’t look long.
You’re so weak. Ha!
Try to tell me you’re strong.
I laugh so loud inside, you can’t hear me.
But I can.
Reality and fantasy, I like to fantasize.
Reality is too much for me, I like my peace.
I like to be alone whenever I can.
So no one hears my whispers as I answer myself…
Again and again.
That is my first official published piece of anything. I remember how excited I felt. My mom got a bunch of the papers and framed a copy of the poem for me. That copy sits on my dresser today and I look at it sometimes because I get caught up in life stuff and my dreams slip away.
So that’s it for me… for now. Hope everyone is doing well.. maybe you’d like to tell me what is going on in your neck of the woods? I’d sure like to hear about you!