**I found this post while cleaning out my document folder. I wrote it four years ago and assume I did so because I had recently lost someone and I questioned my own mortality. **
Why People That Commit Suicide Don’t Talk About It Beforehand
I am terrified to share this, because of the stigma associated with people that attempt or commit suicide, hell, people who even think about suicide. However, I am going to because I had a very dark moment last night that I believe only God helped me out of. Only God because I was alone in my basement. People don’t talk about this shit because they are embarrassed. They don’t talk about it because they are afraid they will be laughed at, made fun of or worse yet, called a psycho and told to “get help.”
We all know someone who committed suicide. Tragically sad, it’s true. We sit and we think, “Why didn’t we know how they felt?” “Why didn’t they reach out?” “How could they do this?”
I’ll tell you why. Because during the grey moments before the darkness consumes; before the shadows engulf the eternally depressed, We Did Reach Out.
We complained a lot. We were sad a lot. Or maybe even we were a little too happy. We tried to talk about how we felt, but no one wanted to hear about it. They were either too busy or they judged.
“Stop being stupid.” “Don’t be an asshole – grow up.” “You have so much to live for. Just be happy.”
Or there is the whole: “Everyone feels like that.” “Oh, you’ll be fine.” “Suck it up, buttercup.”
There is a subtle, consuming darkness before the thought that “I seriously cannot think of one goddamn reason to be on this Earth” hits a person.
There is that complete darkness – literal and virtual – that we sit in and we actually begin steps to take our own life. We yell, we cry and sob – We beg God to help us. We do this alone, maybe in the basement while our loved ones sleep upstairs, clueless.
Some of us get a fleeting moment, a millisecond in time of rational thinking – some of us do not get that sliver of hope. Some of us write notes because there is no other way to communicate, some of us do not because we have no idea what to say. And quite frankly, they didn’t want to hear it in the first place, so what is the point of a note, really?
I mean… fucking really.
So, maybe we go to the ‘shrink’ and we talk about our shit for a while and the only solution they come up with is, “You are (fill in the blank). Here, start this medication and come back in a month. We’ll see how you’re feeling then. And oh yeah, don’t forget the $50. co-pay.”
Or we go to the shrink and they nod the whole time we talk and they hand us a piece of paper with bullet points on it.
Or we go to the shrink and it’s so goddamn expensive it comes down to “Electric Bill or Mental Health?”
We have really exhausted every option and all we want is to be heard. We need someone to just shut the fuck up and listen.
So maybe the next time someone you know (whether you are very close or not so close) seems to be acting different or is sad (maybe for the 13th time in 3 weeks) or really happy (too happy?), ask what’s on their mind and really mean it. Sit and listen; don’t judge.
You might just save that person’s life.