Today’s word is confess which is perfect for an end of year rambling or musing. Have you ever gone to an actual confession? Have you been inside a Catholic church amidst the beauty of stained glass and statues to step inside the confessional and sit opposite a priest only separated by a screen and self-loathing? I have not had the pleasure. Or maybe the agony? I suppose it depends upon the outcome. My ex-mother-in-law was big on Catholic Shame and confession, so anything I learned about it was mostly from her incessant crazed kitchen table sermons.
At the end of the year, I do an inventory of my thoughts, actions, deeds, etc. This probably seems arrogant and for me to write about it, even more, pretentious. But I do it for a reason and that reason is that I need to know if I am a better or worse version of myself that before. Does that make sense?
It takes some serious honesty and since there was a time in my life when that word made my skin crawl like a vampire in sunlight, it is exciting. I like being honest with myself and I know when I am and when I’m not.
I haven’t kept the clutter in the house at the minimum I wanted to and it is a little out of control. I have this awful habit of letting junk mail and magazines and papers pile up to a ridiculous amount. It isn’t Hoarders worthy, but it gets pretty absurd and it drives my husband nuts. Sometimes I do catch it in time and as I throw most of it away, I always think, “why do I always do this? I throw it away every damn time. Why don’t I save myself the trouble and the clutter and just get rid of it in the first place?”
What do I need to hold on to so bad? I don’t.
I made a point of telling myself that this coming year will be different as I am starting to get rid of all the junk before the first day of 2018. I am checking off to-do lists before that fateful day of cleaned out refrigerators, overstuffed gyms, and such.
I’ll let you know how it goes!
Do you go to confession?
By the way, Poetry Through Darkness is now available on Amazon!