When I went to detox in 2005, I knew my stay would be tentative. It was in January and I was just going to clean up a bit so I wouldn’t need so much to get high anymore (cue New Year Resolution confetti). I doubt I am the only addict that has ever done this.
And yes, this was because I honestly thought that I didn’t have an addiction. What I had was more of an ‘inability to ration,’ but once I fixed that, I would be able to do drugs and drink recreationally like all my friends. I was too young, too smart and too pretty to be a drug addict or alcoholic. Things just got a little out of control was all. In five days, I’d be back home and things would be fine.
My first mistake was the whole time I was in detox, I kept comparing myself to everyone around me.
“Oh jeez, listen to this chic. Is she crazy? I am not this bad.”
“Holy shit. I grew up with that kid! He was insane then! Now I know I don’t belong here.”
“Oh my f*cking God, this place is nuttier than a squirrel convention.”
I went to the groups, said all the right shit and then, at the end of my days there – despite being asked to stay one more day because my insurance covered it – called my dad to come get me and I went home.
I got out of rehab, er, detox, on January 4, 2005. My sober date is May 24, 2006. So for sixteen months, my life was an absolute shit storm (more than previously).
Why didn’t standard detox work for me?
A) Because I didn’t want it to work for me.
B) Because they never let me feel bad or sick. They gave me phenobarbital for my withdrawal symptoms and good food and outside time and even let me smoke cigarettes.
C) I was only there for four days, which is pretty standard.
So did I really, truly detox?
After I got out, the first thing I did was call my dealer. “Hey, I just got out of detox, do you have anything?” I guess that week she had a conscience because she said she’d call me back and never did.
Not that week anyway.
So the universe gave me a shot; it was on my side. I went with it and even went to an NA meeting with my detox roommate with her big fake boobs (she got hooked on Percocet after a boob job). One meeting was all I attended. Maybe it was all the hugging after the NA meeting, but I didn’t like it.*
After a week, I was back at the bar and drinking. I wasn’t taking any pills… yet. I was convinced that I could drink because I drank in the past (before getting hooked on pills) and everything was fine! (Did I mention my insanity?)
It wasn’t long until I started drinking heavily, popping pills and snorting cocaine again. This time twice as hard as before I went into detox. I even got involved with a man I knew a while before and we were great together, but in March of 2005, he left my house after starting an argument. I didn’t think much of it until I found out that Monday that he went home and shot himself in the head.
My drugging and drinking escalated; despite not being right in the head before then, I was really twisted inside after that. I spiraled hard and fast unaware that the forming vortex would swallow more lives than just mine.
I eventually turned my life around… but this story needs to be told. So I decided this time frame will be the focus of my memoir.
Thanks for letting me share.
*NA meetings work for many people. They do not work for me. Some NA’s go to AA, some AA’s go to NA. I am not trash talking any program.
Could we be getting any more ridiculously politically correct? Holy hell, everyone is offended by everything these days. What happened to not liking something and just getting on with life?
Anyway, since the new norm is to be habitually offended, I decided I am going to disobey it. I used to be offended long before it was a trend and after careful thought realized I was miserable all the time because of it.
I now think for myself! It is beautiful and wonderful and I feel so much better forming my own opinions rather than getting in that row of sheepy sheepletons.
No offense to anyone who follows a trend, crowd, idea, etc… it just hasn’t worked for me and I am trying something new.
How is everyone doing these days? If you are in an area that got hit by the hurricane, I am especially rooting for your triumph!
School started back up and if you are a regular follower of my site here, you know that means I won’t be around as much. 😦 Bummer I know… I will try to get on here a couple times a week. I thought my one class was going to be a piece of cake, and the material is fairly easy, but the amount of time I have to invest in the class is more than I anticipated. But the good news is school is finite like everything else in the world.
Well, you know what they say about assume and all.
So, finiteis the word of the day.
Can we think of even one instiance of legitimate infinity? Everything is finite except for the universe I believe. Inclulding the accesibility of this site here. I just read it will be down for maintenance for a week! That kind of works in my favor because by then I will have a good handle on my classes and know exactly how often I can post here. Hopefully, I can get a couple entries pre-written.
Cruel, finite love
Your shallow grave sooths my soul
There were others, you know
By the way, you can find me on Facebook at Darlene Steelman McGarrity… I write stuff on there, too. But when you request me, be sure to tell me you’re from WordPress or I most likely won’t accept the invitation (lots of spammers on FB).