Through my addiction, I thought I was escaping the self-inflicted hell I had brought upon myself. I used and drank to escape my demons, never realizing I had created more each time I picked up. It’s a hard lesson, really, and one I am glad I grasped before I fell too far down that pit of scarred brimstone.
The sneakiness of addiction is interesting. One night I was high as a kite sailing through a windstorm in a vain attempt to mask my hate and loneliness. Before I knew it, I was living in a basement, my kids taken from me and I was further into hell than I could imagine.
I looked like walking death (literally – I should have taken a picture). All that hate, self-loathing and insecurity I tried so hard to hide, seeped out of my pores like puss from a poorly popped pimple. My isolation was profound. I had resorted to sitting in a basement, doing drugs and drinking while writing pages and pages of angry, tormented journal entries. Those journals are lost forever, but some of the stuff I wrote looked like:
Why am I so pathetic? What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish I would die in my sleep. I’m ugly. I’m a loser. I did so much coke tonight and drank so much Blackhaus, I was sure I would die. But here I am… awake for another epic fucking day.
The thing about such a revolting self-inflicted hell is… it’s damn hard to climb out of that hole. Being unemployed (and unemployable), weighing 120 pounds (I’m 5’10”) and feeling sick (like dope sick) and having to look at that shit in the mirror, it’s hard to say (or think): What the fuck am I doing? This sucks!
That’s crazy, right? But that’s what the demon did. It caressed me slow and soft, told me lies all the while dragging me day by day to hell. I am eternally grateful that by the Grace of God and getting help from my program I was able to crawl and then walk out of the shadows I created. It was not an easy road, but after a while, I realized that the road (my new road) although rocky and sometimes bumpy, was a lot more pleasant than my old road which went right through hell.
When you were in darkness, did you ever think you’d see light?
- Fighting Your Daily Demons (iprodigaldaughter.wordpress.com)