So I’m sitting there on my couch, I make a comment, someone comments on the comment I make and… BOOM! Commence being up in my head fo the next 36 hours.
“Why did they say that?” “Am I not good enough?” “How can I be better?” “Dammit, my ex’s were right.” “If only I had better(insert trait or quality here).”
Why do I have to take everything so personally? The truth is, I don’t have to take everything so personally. I kind of choose to when it comes down to it; we all do. Maybe it is the way I am wired, maybe it is the way I was raised… who freaking knows. All I know is it ticks me off and while through my twelve step program I have learned tools to combat my inner demons, sometimes they blind side me as I sit there with my soul bleeding through my fingers.
Now, back in the day (like three years ago) I had to let my offender know exactly what wrong they had done me and you can believe, that poor soul wished they never saw me after I was through with them: definitely a form of hostage taking at the highest level.
As I’ve walked this journey of sobriety and self-discovery I noticed something. I am either really up or really down and when I am in between (very rare) I feel like something is wrong. I do try to be somewhere in the middle and get nervous if I am there for too long. My boyfriend pointed this out to me. He said something like, “Babe, blah blah blah.” The truth is I don’t remember. But it had something to do with me being up and down. Had his statement hit me on an emotional level, I would have remembered what he said verbatim. But it didn’t, so I just shrugged it off.
These days, I have a tendency to still hold resentments (bad ju ju in recovery!) but I handle them in a different manner… sometimes. I am an emotional creature. I find that most artists, writers, etc. are more emotional than others. Maybe that is why we draw and write… I don’t know the answer to that either.
What I do know is that I have a sickening knot in my stomach now and my program flew out the window. No, I did not drink or drug, but this anger/resentment/rage thing is nauseating. If I get the laundry done in time, I’ll head to the 7 pm meeting tonight that is right up the street. And yeah, I say “get the laundry done” because no one else is going to frigging get it done.
So, what should I do when I feel like this?
Call my sponsor.
Call someone else in the program.
Get to a meeting.
What should I not do?
ISOLATE AND THINK…. I am very good at this. I need to unlearn this behavior… stat.
- Shame and Letting Go (aligaeta.wordpress.com)
- Why is anger the most problematic emotion? (ask.metafilter.com)
- Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) helping Communities (soulharmony4u.wordpress.com)